i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
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Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
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You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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