Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I think I just shit out all my problems.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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