I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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