Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
