I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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