I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
