We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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