Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
