Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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