yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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