Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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