after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
