That's intense
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
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i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
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I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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