$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
