I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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