Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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