Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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