i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
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For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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