i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
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