I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
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