He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
