then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
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Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
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you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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