I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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