this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
