GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Randomize
