Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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