I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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