he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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