I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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