I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
