Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
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