It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
