there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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