Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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