He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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