I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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