I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
