my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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