Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
