No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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