I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
