It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
