i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
PANTIES FOUND
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