If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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