dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
