smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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