she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
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When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
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We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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