I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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