I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
