He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
