Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
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