his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
