I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
