Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
