I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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